Dog Days of (late Spring)

I have not written here in months because my last semester at school was quite the ordeal. I kept rescheduling appointments and postponing hanging out with friends until I finally vowed to just catch up on my real life after I graduated. I have never been that busy, stressed and tired for such a long period of time before and I hope to never be again. I would fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. But as of May 8 I earned my bachelor's degree in Speech Communication. As soon as I find that pesky library book I will receive my diploma in the mail.

In March I gave Jon a puppy as an early birthday present. After an online poll among his friends he named the 7 week old pug (with 1/8 Jack Russell in him for funsies) Sammich, also known as Glen or more formally, (the) Sammich. He initially did not sleep through the night (horrible), loves to bite our faces and chew our shoes. He is wonderful.

Although Sammich was Jon's gift, it was also a gift to Spencer: he was lonely. He was spending long hours alone sleeping in the middle of Jon's pillow and even preferred to be up there alone when we were home. We thought a little brother would cheer him up. For the past three months Sammich has been biting his face and jumping onto his back from his puppy perch on Jon's lap. Although Spencer still spends a lot of time hiding out in our bedroom, now it is because he is hiding from curious, teething little Sammich.

When we take them on walks, Sammich smells everything Spencer smells. He will even put his face into Spencer's pee because he wants that badly to be a part of whatever Spencer is doing (believe me we have tried to stop this; and yes, it has happened more times than I can count). He barks when Spencer barks but just sits down to watch when Spencer tries (unsuccessfully) to chase a bunny. (The) Sammich has no need for such activities. Partly because he loves all creatures and partly because he is already panting from the exertion of the walk down the block.

Spencer has been coughing for about 24 hours. I am worried about him but do not want to take him to the vet yet for a number of reasons: 1. My job is unpaid for the next few months and I need to make my cash stretch MUCH longer than it usually does; 2. He had a similar cough last summer and Jon and I rushed him to the doggy ER and I paid $100 to learn that Spencer had something in his throat. Cough away, Spencer.

I Googled doggy cough remedies and read about a hundred horrible things that the cough could be a symptom of. But none that really matched his situation. Hang in there, Sir Spencer Rooney! Mommy loves you very much but is too poor to take you to the doctor if you are going to eventually dislodge whatever foreign body is in your throat. Perhaps I will take you to the doggy psychic and she will tell me where it hurts.

Conan O'Brien Shennanigans

I have been following the Conan VS NBS/Jay Leno situation pretty closely. Conan has been a favorite late night host of mine for like 15 years. The other night on his show he said that he was selling the Tonight Show on Craigslist. I thought that was funny, and responded to the ad with the following:

My Dear Conan,

I would like to buy your Tonight Show. I took a good long look at my bank accounts and have decided to make you a solid offer: $75 (I could offer more, but $75 is a check you can actually take to the bank). In addition to that generous offer I also offer you the joy that comes with having a brand new bff (although I think this term is considered 90’s and has been replaced with “bestie”). In the unlikely event that my monies are inadequate, I can still offer you the best friend slot. I might even prefer that since I live in Pennsylvania and you may be moving back to the East Coast (hello, if given a choice, how could you not choose the right coast). I have been to LA and hated it. Highways. Planet Hollywoods. Meh.

A little about myself:

I am 30.

I am a veteran.

I graduate with a bachelor’s in Speech Communication this May.

I have not had a job in 18 months by choice. I live off the GI Bill, student loans, money I got in my divorce that I should have saved for retirement or a house down-payment but decided to instead squander on not having to wait tables at Chili’s during a recession while I finished school. But what started as a good reason has blossomed into an addicition. Not working is really fun. After I graduate I need to get a job. But I have such a good thing going here...I am sorry to see it go. How can I get money but still do whatever I want?

I am a dog-lover and child skeptic. I like my niece and nephew, but only when they are pretty and good. When they are dirty and bad, I start looking for the “mute” or “pause” or “off” button, but have not yet figured that out. To clarify,“off” like “sleep,” not “off” like “kill.”

Dogs on the other hand…***sigh*** …I have included a picture of my dog Sir Spencer Rooney. He is 5 and a half, likes naps, snacks, having his belly rubbed and dislikes baths. That is my exact likes/dislikes list. He was hit by a car 2 years ago. I got a divorce. He had to have a foreign body surgically removed from his stomach since he likes to eat garbage. I had to attend court-ordered alcohol counseling. The list of similarities goes on and on. If we are chosen for the show, Spencer would take over La Bamba’s job. He is an excellent musician.

I am teetering on the fine line between regular and plus sizes. I have been mistaken for a pregnant woman 3 times in the past year but think that I look more like Peter Griffin naked than a pregnant woman. I have included a portrait from the Family Guy that accurately depicts my boyfriend and me in the shower. I like to compare myself to Peter Griffin while standing naked in front of my boyfriend. He is a lucky man. He would take over Andy's job since I imagine that you stand in front of Andy naked and compare yourself to Olive Oil and he still smiles and tells you he loves you.

Although I would love to be a skinny-minny like my freaking sisters, I find that food tastes good. Also, exercising dries out my hair (sweat= the need for a shower….its a mess, why do it?) So maybe I am more plump than the average TV personality. But if Andy and Oprah can do it, why can’t I? Plus, since when was it sexy to be able to see bone on a woman’s chest (Kelly Ripa, I like you. You look hungry. I have made you a delicious sandwich. Go ahead my love…eat.) Also, the late night line up could use a lady touch I think.

You are the only comedian that has ever made me horse laugh every time I watch your show(s). My sister and I used to stay up late to watch your Late Night show in junior high and high school, holding our sides, laughing until it hurt you are so funny. So seriously: 1. Best Friendship. 2. I will be the next Tonight Show host for $75.

Forever Yours,

Regina

PS- Conan, do you want to call me so that we can get to know each other over the phone first? I thought so: 325-370-4245.

Dream a little dream

I am a dreamer. I have several dreams that I at least partially remember every night. Although repeating them to another person is a good idea in theory, something always gets lost in translation. It is difficult to relay the vividness of a dream, the intentions and feelings, to another person.

I think this also applies to dreams we have while we are awake. Sometimes a real-life dream is shared with another person and they are not able to support the dream, listing instead what could go wrong, or reasons to not pursue the dream. That's ok, it is not their dream- it is mine alone, to do with what I choose...

I am cutting this short because I need to take Sir Spencer Rooney to the vet for a shot. I wonder what he dreams about. I love when he sleeps and makes little puppy noises like he is reunited with his doggy mother or something.